Going crazy

I feel like I am losing me. Losing my mind. I dont even wanna do anything anymore. Except for being with my boyfriend. Seeing and feeling him next to me every second every day. I wish to spend all my life with him. He drives me crazy. he really does. Every day without him seems wasted and useless. I gotta get grip on myself. whats wrong with me?? I became soo dependable, its sickening me. And I was hurt so deeply and so many times by him, but it doesnt matter. I love him more than anything in the world. And great. On top of everything now I have a trust issues. Its probably because He lied to me so many times, I started to lose my trust in him. Now. whenever he doesnt pick up his phone or saying he is going somewhere I always think he is with this fucking whore. Whats her problem? when I first met her, she looked like a total sweetheart, so kind and innocent. But now I grew to know her real side. She is a freaking evil whore who tried hard to break me and my boyfriend apart. I dont get it. Does she like him? or does she just wants to destroy my relationship? But i am glad she came into our life. Her hanging out and seeing ly for more than 6 month made me appreciate him even more. I realized I love him to death and I never wanna lose him. I gotta admit before we met her, I treated my bf like shit. I neglected him and was very mean to him. I would always bitch at him or get angry for no good reason. I was so wrong... And I hurt him too in the past. me hooking up with arsen was very painful experience for him. Now I know how it feels. To watch the one you love dearly seeing someone else. Back in the days, when I was 100 percent sure he loved me, I thought I could act like a bitch and he would let everything slide, he would forgive everything. But when he started going to shisha, something changed. He became very attractive and he acknowledged the fact that he can get any girl easily. yes, he is good looking charming and kind. A lot of girls fell for him. He started to hang out with this one girl. no one was as close to him as fifa. They became close friends and I hated it. I cant stand the thought of him hanging out with her or even talking to her. I felt overwhelmingly jealous. Its weird cause I never been jealous before. I was confident in myself and independent. Thats probably why He fell in love with me. But now I am slowly but surely changing into someone pathetic and clingy. Hell no! Im not gonna chase him and i m not gonna become a miserable loser who would allow her mate to abuse her. I wont let anyone abuse or mistreat me. Come on, man. You are beautiful and amazing! You can get a very good guy who will love you and who will never cheat or lie to you. Now I feel like he doesnt love me as much as before. He got very confident and isnt scared to lose me anymore, cause he knows he wont be single for long. Surely, I will find someone new as well, but the question is do i want to? I want to marry him, I am so attached to him. He means everything for me. I regret mistreating him in the past when he was insecure and head over heels in love with me. He still says he loves me, but I fear that he doesnt. I am afraid that he may have change of heart and stop loving me. I am really afraid of losing him. And I am afraid of getting hurt again. I am tired of being deceived over and over again. I dont know what happened between him and fifa, he says they are just friends and he will stop talking to her. But how many times he promised me that and broke it? I lost count. I just want us to be together forever. I want to have a long happy life with him. No cheating, no lies, no deception. I hate feeling so weak and dependable. I need to get myself together and be self-sufficient. I promise to myself I will try my best to make this relationship work and to make him admire and adore me more that ever. He always says he loves me so why do i doubt his feelings for me?! One thing for sure, if i will keep bitching and nagging at him, he will resent me . So I have to be sweet kind and loving to him. I dont understand that fear that lodged into my soul, that crappy fear of losing him. I need to get rid of it. I love him. He loves me. He said he wants to marry me, so relax and calm down. Dont fret it will get you nowhere, except for the mental institution.
I wish he could read this post now so he knows how much he means to me...